I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda