As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Wait a second…
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween