Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.