ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Meow?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.