They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
You Might Also Like
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it