Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”