Um … Hot Wings please
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.