Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.