Chemical wingman
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
work smarter, not harder
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
#merica
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.