Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body