A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.