Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
You Might Also Like
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…