Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir