I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
reminder
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS