No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Breaking news:
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
From Facebook just now…
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”