[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
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Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Challenge accepted.