Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)