me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Happy Taco Tuesday
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
For the baby who has everything
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My teenage children choosing violence
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart