[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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If you know, you know 😂🚔
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.