[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.