Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs