DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Merry Christmas
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket