Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”