If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
You Might Also Like
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”