How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone