[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
You Might Also Like
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
some things should go without saying
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*