[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.