There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.