Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
no cat here
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair