Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
i was baptized in a car wash
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr