If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean