ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
You Might Also Like
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
こいつ天才
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much