For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Today’s Times
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
<—- homeless romantic
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Lmbo
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that