[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏