Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
You Might Also Like
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time