Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”