Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.