I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*