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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If I ignore life will it go away?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.