It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Basketball games are very squeaky.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m aging like a fine banana
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.