I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Good morning.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
so i’m at the stock market right
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.