If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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He a real one for that
🐕🍷
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇