“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?