My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld