ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
How do you like your Corgi?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Tremendous stuff
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Driving in Europe vs Canada