People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character