[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.