me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*