I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!