[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
You Might Also Like
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”